Good weekend

I finally got in touch with two of my NC State friends that I haven't seen since I've been back. It was so fun-- we went to cheesecake factory and then shopped a little and then got pedicures! Great day.

During lunch, we talked about having kids. Both of them are still a little unsure about being moms. I can relate-- I felt the same way for about a year before Mark and I started trying. But despite our issues, I wouldn't have wanted to start any earlier. I really needed that time to just enjoy ourselves as a couple. I would have either introduced a baby or the pain of infertility into my marriage much earlier than I would have wanted to.

And of course Mark is actually happy that things were delayed since we got to take our 3 month trip around the world! I probably would have rather had a baby, but I'm glad we did that!

My bella band came on Saturday. This is a little tube of fabric that allows you to wear pre-pregnancy pants unbuttoned. It covers the fly and holds things up. Most clothes are still fine, but there is one pair of capris that I wear to garden that don't zip! I was really impressed at how well this thing works! You can't tell my pants were undone and it stayed put even walking through the neighborhood. love it!

My ultrasound is coming up on Wed. I'm trying to be positive, but I am also a little scared that the baby will be behind or no heartbeat. But there's nothing that would indicate that. Just have to be patient and hope for the best!

7 weeks!

I'm 7 weeks today!! My baby is the size of a blueberry! We've graduated to the fruit stage. Mark is very proud. :)

So far I've just had the light nausea on and off. I also feel like I'm gaining some weight-- I'm just eating more regularly to stave off the nausea. And I feel a lot worse than normal if I don't eat. My clothes are all still fitting fine, but some things are getting a little tight.

I keep hoping that things are still going okay in there. I have to trust that they are, but I still worry that I could have a missed miscarriage and my baby is gone but my body doesn't know it. Paranoia, I'm sure. Just a little over a week until my next ultrasound... I can see why so many moms-to-be get dopplers!

Appreciating this

After we'd been trying a little over a year my mom told me "Well, you'll appreciate your baby more since it took awhile" I was so mad. "You are full of crap! I would appreciate my child no matter what." And I'm sure that is true, I'll love my baby just as much.

But I do feel differently about this baby and this pregnancy than if it had happened on the first cycle. I really took my fertility for granted before. It was a given, it would happen. And once I accepted that no it may never happen, I now see this baby as a gift. I think about all the tears I cried and what I put my body through between surgeries and IVF, and by some miracle, it happened.

I can't say I would have done it exactly the same. I would really rather not know the pain of infertility, but since I do-- I have so much admiration and respect for the women who go through such lengths to have something most of people achieve with little effort.

Dedicated to:
LanY at Adventures In-fertility
wannabemom at Letters to Unborn baby
Shiner at her new blog whenever it begins!! :)
Lisa at Helping Make Sense
and all my T-TTC friends (past and present)

Afternoon sickness? (& poll)

I have noticed after lunch I feel slightly ill. It lasts on and off into the evening. It is really mild and gives me some indication that I am indeed pregnant! Yay for nausea!! :) I don't want to be sick, but the lack of symptoms messes with my head!

Also, I have a new poll on the right sidebar. I'm dying to get to my ultrasound about 2 weeks from now!! I'm mainly concerned that everything is growing healthy (esp. since we've told so many people...) and m/c is still a risk. I'll feel much better once we see the heartbeat. But I'm also a little curious if they both stuck?

Survivor's Guilt

Now that I'm pregnant, I sort of feel guilty that so many of my online friends are still struggling with infertility. Maybe guilt is the wrong word, but as much as I want to be supportive to them, in some ways, I don't feel I have the right anymore?

I keep telling myself when I was going through it, I was generally happy to see a fellow woman finally achieve success, so I should keep offering support. But I don't want to come across as "If it can happen to me, it can happen to you!" because that is just not true and not helpful.

The truth is when you are struggling with infertility, you don't know if you will ever experience pregnancy or parenthood and that is where the pain and fear come from. You want to be a mom so badly, and you don't know how things will end and when you will be able to wake up from this nightmare.

But I have been there, and I do have a story to tell. And I feel a connection to infertile women no matter where they are in their struggle. Infertility is a part of my life and has changed me.

6 Weeks today!

I'm 6 weeks today! My baby is the size of a lentil! :) Dahl anyone?

So far I feel nothing! I guess that is a good thing, but it also kind of concerns me that maybe there is something wrong? I think I felt more excited when I was going to dr. appts and getting reassurance. Now I just wonder if I'm really pregnant since I don't feel anything?!

I guess I should be happy I'm not sick or tired, but I feel scared to think of this as a sure thing. I keep telling myself if I was losing the baby, I'd feel painful cramps and heavy bleeding. So I just have to trust everything is fine.

3rd Beta is in!!

My beta level was 2760!! So it almost tripled again!! :) My progesterone was at 83, which was up from 67.7. After my first beta, I thought she said it was 776, which is really high. I must have misheard her-- I was probably too excited! These progesterone levels are still about 2x as high as an average woman in her 1st tri, but I'm not as sure about twins anymore. My progesterone supplements could be driving it up. Either way, we are just happy to be here.

Now I get to schedule my first ultrasound! It is still with Dr. T's office, so I haven't "graduated" quite yet, which I'm fine with. Despite only being there a short time, I feel really bonded with the staff. They're all so nice and supportive. It makes a huge difference.

The ultrasound will be 1 month after the first (+) blood test! That seems SO long from now! I'll be almost 9 weeks, but by then they should be able to see the baby and heartbeat. Mark will get to come with me too. It will be strange because the last time we saw our babies, they were two little balls of cells! It's really a miracle.

Manbabies LOL!!

Okay-- nothing to do with IVF, but I discovered this site and find it hilariously creepy.

manbabies.com

Just trying to pass the time until they call with the third beta...

Second Beta is in!!

I'm at 906, which is almost triple what it was on Saturday!! This is excellent news. They like to see the number double in 24-48 hours. I'll have another beta on Wednesday. After that they monitor the progress with ultrasounds.

I'm hoping I'll get an ultrasound at 6 weeks, since a lot of infertility patients do, but from what the nurse has said they might just pass me off to an OB for an 8 week checkup. That will be about 3 weeks from now! How will I get by..??!! :)

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

Woo HOO!!! We did it, but I'm in shock that this actually worked??!! I got a positive home test on Tuesday, so they moved the beta up to Saturday (instead of Monday). My first beta @ 12dp5dt was 351. They're checking again today and Wednesday to make sure it is doubling. Also my progesterone was quite high (776), so there's a decent chance both of them stuck!

I am so happy this finally worked, but I'm still in disbelief. I really don't feel much, so it is hard for me to believe that I'm actually pregnant?! After struggling for so long, it just doesn't seem like it could have happened this fast. Our *first* IVF cycle??!

More Good news: I don't have to take any more shots!! So after Wednesday's beta, I think the needles are done for awhile!!

No more spotting! Whew!

I think it was just that little bit of pink last night and a little brown this morning. Thank you nesties for reassuring me that this isn't necessarily a bad thing-- I'm very relieved. Today I am officially "late" although my beta test isn't until Monday. I will be very anxious to hear the results!

I still really don't feel anything, just some minor cramping, but as long as the spotting stays away, I'm fine with that. Stick babies stick!!

spotting tonight

I started spotting a little bit pink tonight. I know this can be normal, but this is not good at all to me. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow. I think it has stopped, but I'm too scared to even check again.

Dear Babies,

I am your mommy. I love you so much and you aren't even here. You don't even have a brain to know anything, but I love you. Please, please stay inside me. I really want to meet you. I've been waiting so long for you. I felt so much joy at just the possibility of maybe having you here one day. Please, please, please latch on and stay inside me. I want you to grow. I want you to be my children and watch you grow up. I'm your mommy, and I'm waiting for you.

We moved!

We moved into our first home over the weekend!! We LOVE the house! I am so excited because this is our first place since we have always rented before. We met the neighbors who live behind us-- super nice family.

On Sat, DH finished painting our bedroom while I went around with the movers to pick up our furniture. My mom gave us quite a few things and we had stuff delivered to the mall. It was a hot, exhausting day, which probably wasn't too good for our embies, but I hope they are already stuck in their place!

I went in today for my progesterone level-- it is at 33, which is great! But I still have to keep doing my shots, darn.

It has been about a week since the transfer and so far I feel nothing. I'm a little bummed because with the other two chemical pregnancies, I was feeling something by now. But so far no spotting, which is great. I was really worried about that since my natural cycles give me so much trouble.

I had acupuncture today, and she told me to keep positive. So I'm going to keep my mind on being positive and hope that this worked!