8 weeks

I'm 8 weeks today! It has been over a month since we found out I'm pregnant. It still doesn't feel real. Although the nausea keeps reminding me! Ugh-- I have felt pretty bad today and yesterday. I was fine all weekend, but now I just want to crawl in bed. But when I'm not sick, I worry that something is wrong-- so I don't even get to enjoy it!

Good weekend

I finally got in touch with two of my NC State friends that I haven't seen since I've been back. It was so fun-- we went to cheesecake factory and then shopped a little and then got pedicures! Great day.

During lunch, we talked about having kids. Both of them are still a little unsure about being moms. I can relate-- I felt the same way for about a year before Mark and I started trying. But despite our issues, I wouldn't have wanted to start any earlier. I really needed that time to just enjoy ourselves as a couple. I would have either introduced a baby or the pain of infertility into my marriage much earlier than I would have wanted to.

And of course Mark is actually happy that things were delayed since we got to take our 3 month trip around the world! I probably would have rather had a baby, but I'm glad we did that!

My bella band came on Saturday. This is a little tube of fabric that allows you to wear pre-pregnancy pants unbuttoned. It covers the fly and holds things up. Most clothes are still fine, but there is one pair of capris that I wear to garden that don't zip! I was really impressed at how well this thing works! You can't tell my pants were undone and it stayed put even walking through the neighborhood. love it!

My ultrasound is coming up on Wed. I'm trying to be positive, but I am also a little scared that the baby will be behind or no heartbeat. But there's nothing that would indicate that. Just have to be patient and hope for the best!

7 weeks!

I'm 7 weeks today!! My baby is the size of a blueberry! We've graduated to the fruit stage. Mark is very proud. :)

So far I've just had the light nausea on and off. I also feel like I'm gaining some weight-- I'm just eating more regularly to stave off the nausea. And I feel a lot worse than normal if I don't eat. My clothes are all still fitting fine, but some things are getting a little tight.

I keep hoping that things are still going okay in there. I have to trust that they are, but I still worry that I could have a missed miscarriage and my baby is gone but my body doesn't know it. Paranoia, I'm sure. Just a little over a week until my next ultrasound... I can see why so many moms-to-be get dopplers!

Appreciating this

After we'd been trying a little over a year my mom told me "Well, you'll appreciate your baby more since it took awhile" I was so mad. "You are full of crap! I would appreciate my child no matter what." And I'm sure that is true, I'll love my baby just as much.

But I do feel differently about this baby and this pregnancy than if it had happened on the first cycle. I really took my fertility for granted before. It was a given, it would happen. And once I accepted that no it may never happen, I now see this baby as a gift. I think about all the tears I cried and what I put my body through between surgeries and IVF, and by some miracle, it happened.

I can't say I would have done it exactly the same. I would really rather not know the pain of infertility, but since I do-- I have so much admiration and respect for the women who go through such lengths to have something most of people achieve with little effort.

Dedicated to:
LanY at Adventures In-fertility
wannabemom at Letters to Unborn baby
Shiner at her new blog whenever it begins!! :)
Lisa at Helping Make Sense
and all my T-TTC friends (past and present)

Afternoon sickness? (& poll)

I have noticed after lunch I feel slightly ill. It lasts on and off into the evening. It is really mild and gives me some indication that I am indeed pregnant! Yay for nausea!! :) I don't want to be sick, but the lack of symptoms messes with my head!

Also, I have a new poll on the right sidebar. I'm dying to get to my ultrasound about 2 weeks from now!! I'm mainly concerned that everything is growing healthy (esp. since we've told so many people...) and m/c is still a risk. I'll feel much better once we see the heartbeat. But I'm also a little curious if they both stuck?

Survivor's Guilt

Now that I'm pregnant, I sort of feel guilty that so many of my online friends are still struggling with infertility. Maybe guilt is the wrong word, but as much as I want to be supportive to them, in some ways, I don't feel I have the right anymore?

I keep telling myself when I was going through it, I was generally happy to see a fellow woman finally achieve success, so I should keep offering support. But I don't want to come across as "If it can happen to me, it can happen to you!" because that is just not true and not helpful.

The truth is when you are struggling with infertility, you don't know if you will ever experience pregnancy or parenthood and that is where the pain and fear come from. You want to be a mom so badly, and you don't know how things will end and when you will be able to wake up from this nightmare.

But I have been there, and I do have a story to tell. And I feel a connection to infertile women no matter where they are in their struggle. Infertility is a part of my life and has changed me.

6 Weeks today!

I'm 6 weeks today! My baby is the size of a lentil! :) Dahl anyone?

So far I feel nothing! I guess that is a good thing, but it also kind of concerns me that maybe there is something wrong? I think I felt more excited when I was going to dr. appts and getting reassurance. Now I just wonder if I'm really pregnant since I don't feel anything?!

I guess I should be happy I'm not sick or tired, but I feel scared to think of this as a sure thing. I keep telling myself if I was losing the baby, I'd feel painful cramps and heavy bleeding. So I just have to trust everything is fine.